I spent two months in a mental hospital….

I spent two months in a mental hospital in Portland Oregon when I was 17 years old. It was actually a special "eating disorder" clinic where teenagers were locked up and force fed until they gained enough weight to be deemed "cured". 

This was in 1994 nearing the end of the "dark ages" in mental health care. Today we have much more holistic mental health care available but much improvement to be made. The time I spent in this facility was actually terrifying. I wasn't allowed to leave without supervision and I only once remember meeting with a mental health professional for "therapy". Mostly the days were about art, watching TV, meal time (torture for everyone there) and boredom. 

I actually started smoking tobacco for the first time in the hospital! My roommate was over 18 and had cigarettes and shared them with me. We were allowed to smoke in a supervised area. So I went from a food addiction to a tobacco addiction pretty quickly. Now I have both…..

Daily weight checks were torture and kept me obsessed with the numbers on the scale. There was a girl in our unit that was down to less than 80 lbs and would eventually die from heart failure. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of all mental health diagnoses. I am lucky to be alive. 

It has been a lifetime struggle of self acceptance and self love. No outside therapy or medication can bring you there if you don't see your own value. It wasn't until the age of 44 years old when I finally had my first breakthrough moment in an Ayahuasca ceremony. Until that moment I was still continuing to self harm through negative thoughts patterns and unconscious destructive behavior.  

What this moment taught me was priceless. I was able to see myself from an outside perspective and I literally saw my inner light and absolute Beauty in that moment. It was not related to how my body looked. It had to do with my Soul. I saw my Soul reflection in the mirror of Grandmother Ayahuasca.

I still continue to face my shadow daily but I now feel as if I have a conscious choice and can choose to see myself as valuable because of the work I have done so far. It is a daily practice that requires commitment but it does get easier with practice. 

If this story resonates with you please reach out to me to support your journey towards higher levels of self acceptance. I cannot do the work for you but I can give you tips from my own personal experience and deeply hold a supportive, loving space for your own self realization process. 

I now understand that my life is my message that the trials and tribulations that I have faced made me stronger and more capable of holding space for others. I am grateful for my past. I used to be ashamed but now I see my past as a gift that I can use to help others who are struggling.