My Journal of Healing from Codependent Relationships and Trauma Bonds……..

My first codependent relationship was with my father. I remember trying to get his attention in his garage while he worked on the family car at the age of 7 years old. I so badly wanted to learn how to work on cars from him. I remember him telling me that “working on cars is for boys” and suggesting that I go inside and help my mother make lunch. It was this ongoing rejection from my father that planted the seed for external validation from the boys and men in my life. 

I still notice how I crave the attention of men. It has been a lifetime of unfulfilling sexual experiences and short term relationships. I kept seeking the sense of worthiness that I was craving from others. When I was in kindergarten I remember feeling a rush of dopamine and a sense of worthiness when a boy talked to me or showed any interest in me. I was very shy and would act as though I was not interested in them knowing that they would try harder to get my attention. 

I continued to play this game all throughout my teenage years. Enjoying the excitement of “playing hard to get” and then evidently going on a date with a boy, just to get bored with him quickly and break up with him. With each break up I felt a sort of empowerment and need to continue to feed this “hungry ghost”, never fully satisfied and always looking for more male attention. 

According to Buddhist teachings, “hungry ghosts” are creatures with large empty bellies and small, scrawny necks and tiny little mouths, so they can never get enough, they can never fill this emptiness on the inside. A metaphor for addiction which is all about trying to fill that emptiness from the outside. My addiction to attention from men was affecting my life in many ways. 

At the age of 16 years old a very popular senior football player at my high school expressed his interest in me. We sat next to each other in typing class. I remember that I used to wear Jordache perfume and he commented on how good I smelled. After a few weeks of looks and the obvious sense of physical attraction, he asked me out on a date. I remember that he picked me up in his landrover jeep and took me on an adventure. I was so enamored by his looks and charm. Right away I felt a deep sense of wanting to please and impress him. This was to be my first sexual encounter and I felt the entanglement happen as soon as we started engaging in sexual activities. 

We tried to keep it secret, my parents didn’t talk to me about sex or relationships. Our encounters progressed from kissing and groping to penetration when we were both drunk on rum one weekend while he was house sitting for a friend. I was not ready for the level of intensity that I would experience when he left for college two months later after our summer fling. 

I showed up at his college dorm after “borrowing” my dad’s car without permission. I had driven 3 hours in the rain to get there, the farthest I had ever driven on my own. When I showed up unexpectedly, heartbroken and in tears, he didn’t know how to respond. He was just an 18 year old young man. I felt so rejected and abandoned. I remember walking out to the parking lot with my head hanging down and getting into my car. I peered up at his dorm room window grieving the loss of my first “lover”. 

I feel that this traumatic “breakup” further stirred up within me anger towards men. All I wanted was someone who would accept me as I was and appreciate me. Why do I keep getting rejected, first by my father then by my first lover. My sense of worthiness would continue to decline as I rationalized that the issue must be that something was wrong with me. It didn't occur to me that maybe the issue was not me but the other person. Maybe these two men who had such an effect on my sense of value were deeply suffering themselves and unable to understand their impact on me. 

Fast forward a bit to age 47 and looking back upon many years of deep reflection I understand that my value is not tied to whether or not someone can see or appreciate my value. After many years of talk therapy, behavioral therapy, plant medicines, journaling, self care and many failed codependent relationships, I now understand that my value is intrinsic. I finally have a strong sense of self and it continues to grow and I discover my value and appreciate myself more and more through self-love practices and time alone. 

One of my most pivotal experiences was when I took a 6 week solo “shadow work” retreat in Mexico for my 46th birthday. I had reached a point of frustration and overwhelm in my intimate relationships. I had just gone through a 3 year period of intense 3-4 month romances, culminating in a polyamorous situation where I was dating 3 different men and feeling ultimately unfulfilled with all of them. I gently released my intimate relationships and made a vow to myself to maintain my celibacy until I was in a healthy long-term committed relationship. 

During my 6 weeks in Oaxaca, Mexico I experienced days of silence, long walks alone along dusty winding roads and nights of hyper-real dreams. I found myself spending long days naked in front of the ocean, watching the waves crash on the shore and listening to the chatter of nearby vacationing families. I treated myself to dinner and new bathing suits. I went on adventures and danced wildly at parties where I didn’t know anyone at all. 

All of this deep solo work felt like a homecoming. I began to truly appreciate myself, my courage, my strength, my beauty. I spent hours journaling and listening to audiobooks on self love. When I returned to Oregon after my time in Mexico, I felt much more centered. Even amidst the social setting of my hometown, where I knew so many and had dated for the past 4 years, I felt very committed to my intent to remain celibate. I no longer felt this deep need for outside approval through endless flirting and romantic pursuits. I felt good about myself and no longer felt the need for a “second half” to feel complete. 

I believe that someone really shifted in during my time alone in Mexico, a combination of resolve and curiosity about what it might feel like to have a deep sense of self love. I am convinced that this took many, many years of “failures” but ultimately I was able to leverage those experiences to bring me closer to home, closer to myself. Because in the end all we have is ourselves to love and appreciate. I am sure that when I am 87 years old and enjoying my “crone” years I will be so grateful for the work that I did to cultivate a deeper sense of love for my innate being that isn’t tied to vanity or external attention. 

My path is ongoing, as life continues to unfold, I continue to evolve into my true authentic sense of self. It is a beautiful journey that has no real destination, only a continual return to my breath, my body, my senses, my heart of hearts. The truth is, I have never been separate from this love of self, I just forgot and all those years of troubling experiences were signposts on my path of rediscovery of Self. 

Aloha,

Athena Rose

Luminated Heart Healing Arts

Subscribe to my weekly newsletter for more information on cultivating Radical Self-Love and Healthy Relationships.